Bohemiology

Do unto others

Today is Bloggers Unite for Human Rights day. For my contribution I'm posting a song by the band, Garbage. It's for those in our world who deserve not only compassion, but also the ability to get help regardless of what's in their bank accounts.

Bleed Like Me

Avalanche is sullen and too thin
She starves herself to rid herself of sin
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
And she says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Chris is all dressed up and acting coy
Painted like a brand new Christmas toy
He's trying to figure out if he's a girl or he's a boy
He says:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin
And when she does relief comes setting in
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes
She sings:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Therapy is Speedie's brand new drug
Dancing with the devil's past has never been too fun
It's better off than trying to take a bullet from a gun
And she cries:
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

JT gets all fucked up in some karaoke bar
After two drinks he's a loser after three drinks he's a star
Getting all nostalgic as he sings "I Will Survive"
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?
Hey baby can you bleed like me?
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

You should see my scars
You should see my scars
You should see my scars
You should see my scars
Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend
Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend
Just try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend
Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend
You should see my scars
You should see my scars

The weirdness that is me

Exhibit A. For Mother's Day Ikuni takes me to a Japanese restaurant for lunch. We pull into the parking lot. The sign blinks "open" but there isn't another vehicle within a block of the building. I freak.

"What if we're the only ones? We can't be the only ones. I don't want to be the only ones! I'll feel too self-conscious. They'll watch us eat. And I don't wanna be the only ones making them work on Mother's Day. I'll feel so guilty. Should we go somewhere else? Come back later in the week? But, they are open. And you wanted to take me here. That was so sweet of you. Now I feel even more guilty! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?!!"

Ikuni gives me the oh-my-god-my-mother-is-so-strange look, then laughs and says, "You were sooo Asian in a past life."

We agree to wait a bit and see if anyone else shows up. They do. We go in and have a great lunch. I'm such a dweeb.

Exhibit B. I rarely take the time to straighten my hair. Usually, I leave it in its natural state: curls flying every which way. Whenever I get a cut, though, my stylist hot irons it and for the next 24 hours I receive loads of compliments. Oh, your hair is so cute! You look so good! Wow, I didn't recognize you! (which makes me wonder what the hell I look like 97% of the time)

Yesterday, though, I decide to straighten it. I iron and iron and iron and sweat and sweat and sweat and finally get it looking almost like it does at the salon. I walk out the door and it's raining. My hair frizzes in 1.3 seconds.

Exhibit C, or in the words of E. M. Forster: "Only connect." For a good while, now, I've been tasting fish after eating. I eat chicken fettuccini. A little while later, I taste fish. Eat cheese pizza, taste fish. Pancakes, fish.

This had begun to concern me. Why was I always getting a fishy aftertaste? Was some leftover baked trout anchored to my stomach? Was there a rare disease with this peculiar symptom? Should I be tested?

This morning, I eat a ham and egg omelet and again have a fishy aftertaste. I shuffle into the kitchen (I always shuffle in the morning) to take my vitamin, my Zoloft and, to lower my cholesterol...my daily 1000 milligrams of fish oil! Which may be working wonders to keep my heart healthy, but appears to have no effect whatsoever on my fast approaching senility.

35 months of my life

I've been pregnant and given birth four times. Three were fullterm, one a month premature. I thought for Mother's Day I'd reminisce a bit about my experiences.

Wordsmith - Fairly easy pregnancy. Just enough nausea to feel pampering was justified, but not enough to make me hang over the toilet after every meal. Craved apple pie. Which probably explains why I gained 40 pounds. Which I loved. My skinny self finally had some boobs. Yay.

Water broke around 1 AM. Contractions every 5 minutes. Tried to wake Ex, who mumbled something and turned over. He got moving when he heard me on the phone with the doctor, who told me to get to the hospital.

Once there, wanted to go natural till I heard the woman screaming in the next room: "OH MY GOD! I CAN'T TAKE IT! SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEEEAAASE!" I timidly asked the nurse if it was the woman's first baby, too, and she said matter-of-factly: "No, it's her fifth."

Minutes after the epidural I said I needed to go to the bathroom. Turned out, it was Wordsmith making his entrance instead. A few pushes and there he was! Total delivery time: 7 hours.

Drummer - Craved chicken burritos with hot sauce during pregnancy. Had heartburn that took a fire hose to put out, but it was worth it.

Went into labor on my due date. Tried to go natural again, but during transition I panicked and had another epidural. Drummer was born within an hour after getting it.

Later, fainted while walking to the restroom. First time I'd ever done that. The nurses caught me. Administered smelling salts. Felt like I was detached from my body. It was a kinda cool feeling, actually.

Ikuni - Much sicker. Only gained 25 pounds. In utero Ikuni felt most comfy lying on my sciatic nerve, and by my eighth month I was dragging my right leg like a wounded pirate.

Labor was short. But, Ikuni was face up, which caused terrible back pain. I was determined to go natural, though. Water broke. Transition hit. Pushed. Seemed like a cannonball exploded through my body. Baby!

Felt great afterwards. Took a shower. Ate a turkey sub. Did pushups (heh, heh, kidding, but I did feel really good).

Gamer - You know how I didn't hang over the toilet during my first pregnancy? That's where I lived while carrying Gamer. Was ill and exhausted the whole time. Might have had something to do with getting pregnant six months after having Ikuni! More proof that breastfeeding is not a form of birth control.

Went into labor a month early. Something was wrong. Had a sharp pain on each side. Contractions weren't doing anything. They did an ultrasound. Gamer was transverse breech. A c-section followed, and there was immediate concern. He wasn't breathing well, because his lungs weren't developed enough.

Before they rushed him to the pediatric hospital downtown, they let me see him for a few seconds. I touched his hand, they took him away and then I sobbed.

Thankfully, he did fine on the medication they gave him, and we got to bring him home Christmas Eve, a week after his birth.

***

So, those are my stories. What I didn't mention was how each time I marveled at the life that grew inside me. Wondered at these beautiful little people who made my world so much richer.

They say you forget the pain after they put the baby in your arms. Well, I have no idea what they're talking about. I still remember the pain. It's just that the joy is so much greater, it doesn't really matter anymore.

The things I could do to that man

"Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is almost always somebody screwed up."
~Dr. Gregory House

I finally get a Hugh Laurie, er, I mean a House fix tonight!

Wordsmith and I became addicts of the show last year. During their last hiatus we fed our habit by renting a couple of discs each week and watching every episode from the first three seasons. Our dealer at Blockbuster got to know us really well.

For other Houseaholics who might not have seen the DVD special features here are bloopers from season two.

And this is for Bad Girl, who couldn't believe Hugh Laurie is from the UK and speaks in real life with the sexiest British accent imaginable. It's a fun 2005 interview on Craig Ferguson's late night show. Enjoy, my dear.

Speaking of interviews, I had the chance to feel a little celebrityish myself when Francis of She Who Blogs highlighted Bohemiolgy and Blogtations and asked me questions about blogging. Here's the link.

That's me, the tall one in the pale, yellow shirt with the wicked lead guitar

I'm having a love affair with Acid Black Cherry, and one of the songs I've had on repeat has been Spell Magic. The music is kind of like Rush meets Rob Zombie. And Yasu's voice. He's one of the few rock tenors whose vocal chords make me salivate. Seriously.

The other night Ikuni showed me their music video to the song. Ha! I. Love. It. Reserved, socially awkward outside, wild, bacchanalian inside. I can so identify!

Oh, and the lyrics. They're mostly in Japanese. To sum them up: think sex. Sex, sex and, um, more sex.

Near Heron Lake

by Kim Addonizio

During the night, horses passed close
to our parked van. Inside I woke cold
under the sleeping bag, hearing their heavy sway,
the gravel harsh under their hooves as they moved off
down the bank to the river. You slept on,
though maybe in your dream you felt them enter
our life just long enough to cause that slight
stirring, a small spasm in your limbs and then
a sigh so quiet, so close to being nothing
but the next breath, I could believe you never guessed
how those huge animals broke out of the dark and came
toward us. Or how afraid I was before I understood
what they were—only horses, not anything
that would hurt us. The next morning
I watched you at the edge of the river
washing your face, your bare chest beaded with bright water,
and knew how much we needed this,
the day ahead with its calm lake
we would swim in, naked, able to touch again.
You were so beautiful. And I thought
the marriage might never end.

If a cluttered desk equals a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk equal?

You can blame Christine for this post idea.

This is how my desk looked when we first moved into our apartment. Note the neatness. The sparseness. The few post-its and CD's that make it appear as if one uses the space in a calm, orderly manner...

This, on the other hand, is how my desk looked this morning...

And I don't see it changing anytime soon.

P.S. For those who may not know,
Equus is Ampersand's rockin' daughter.

Luminous

The sky was overcast this morning as I drove to work. A thick layer of gray clouds hovered overhead, making it seem more like eight at night instead of almost eight in the morning.

A shaft of light suddenly shone from behind, illuminating the backs of my hands on the wheel and the tail lights of the cars in front of me. It was like someone pointed a bright light down a dark hallway. I tried to find where the cloud break was, but I couldn't see it in my mirrors.

I took my usual exit ramp. As I rounded the curve I faced the heavenly flashlight. The cloud canopy filled every corner but for one slit of brilliant white. Through it, silver rays stretched toward me. It was beautiful.

Take care

Much of last Friday was spent at the hospital. Ex's esophagus is collapsing due to pressure from one of the tumors, and he's been unable to eat. So, they did out patient surgery and inserted a feeding tube.

If he does well they'll also do fifteen low dose radiation treatments on the tumor. His doctors believe that will shrink it enough to allow him to swallow food.

I took Ikuni to the hospital to be there for the procedure. Ex's brother was there, too. It was good to see him. One of the side effects of divorce is losing touch with in-laws.

While the presidential candidates speeches in memory of Martin Luther King, Jr. were broadcast on the waiting room TV, we talked about workloads and computer problems and acted like everything was fine, that Ex wasn't about to have a hole cut into his stomach.

They called him back to prepare him for surgery. After a few minutes we were allowed in the pre-op room to say, "Hello, good-bye," as the nurse put it.

Ex noticed Ikuni's lightened hair around her face. He asked her if she'd dyed it.

"No," she said. "It was an accidental bleaching by the skin cleanser I use. But, I do want to dye it one day."

"Blonde? or maybe red?" Ex asked.

"I was thinking blue or purple," she said.

He smirked and rolled his eyes, and they wheeled him from the room.

I returned to work. Ikuni would let me know as soon as they finished and I'd return. Driving to the office, rain sprinkling the windshield, I felt a mix of emotions.

Fear. Because the once strong, athletic man I lived with for 20 years was now dangerously thin. I started to say "and frail," but he really isn't that. Though his body is ravaged, and he looks at least ten years older than he did six months ago, he's still proud and fighting. He's anything but frail.

Sorrow and Anger. It hurts my soul not only to see him suffer but also to stand by helplessly as my children watch their father decline. I hit and scream and tear at the universe for being so cruel.

Love. Despite the differences, despite the infidelities, despite the fact that being apart has been the best for us all, I still love him, and I always will.

The surgery went well. Ex recovered quickly and even joked with the staff. A nurse gave instructions, and Ex said the incision hurt like hell (and that was before the local anesthesia had worn off).

As we left he gave Ikuni a hug then turned and reached for me and we embraced. "Take care," we both whispered into each other's ear.

After dropping Ikuni at home, I headed again to work. I played Acid Black Cherry's song, Sins. The music took me on a journey—bringing to mind memories of past pain and happiness, moments of sadness and beauty. I thought of the future and gripped the steering wheel harder.

I imagined clawing my way to the top of a jagged mountain. As I inched upward, the unforgiving rock bruised my skin. When I got to the summit I stood. I was dirty and bleeding, but I could see for miles.

I found magic

Each month Kimberly of Petroville and Lindsay of Suburban Turmoil host the Perfect Post Awards, and I came across a post last month that I wanted to recognize.

DeeZee's I Saw Magic beautifully captures a moment in time, transcending the ordinary and truly making it magical. I encourage you to read it.

While I'm at it. Because I'm a doophus and didn't realize what I was supposed to do, a while ago I gave a Perfect Post Award to Cerebralmum for her heartbreakingly honest post Imagine If... The poor thing had to get her own award button and everything. But, it's not too late to read it, if you haven't already.

Because bloggers say the darndest things

For those who might not have seen the link in my sidebar, I started a project a few weeks ago called Blogtations.

You know how much I love quotes, right? Well, an idea hit me one Saturday morning, while I lounged on my fold-out-mattress-bed-thing on the living room floor. There are so many great blogger quotes out there, but no BrainyQuote type catalog of them.

So, I made one.

Thinking of the Easter bunny

Reminded me of this 30-second Pirates of the Caribbean remake.

Found via Tales of Falsidehill

This ain't no party bus!

My girl is some 250 miles away at a rock concert. Probably head banging with the best of them at this very moment. This is the first time she's traveled any distance without me. I miss her. It's a glimpse into the future, and I don't like it. 

She and Miki left last night on a Greyhound bus. I was a little worried about them, because they wouldn't arrive until three in the morning. I called her as they were heading out.

"Hold on," she said, "the driver is making an announcement."

As she held the phone, I could hear every word. He said sternly: "Thank you for traveling with Greyhound. Before we get started, let me mention a few rules. One, there will be no cussin' on this bus. There are small children here and they don't need to listen to your foul mouth. Two, if you have a cell phone, turn the ringer down. We don't want to hear it. People will be trying to sleep, and they don't need your cell phone waking them up. You can talk on your phone, as long as you keep your... (I hear muffled voices in the background) Excuse me? Am I interuptin' your conversation? (silence) There will also be no loud laughing or talking or rough housing. This ain't no party bus!  Everybody got that? Thank you."

Suddenly, I wasn't worried as much. No one was gonna hurt my baby on his watch.

I'm a single mom with four grown kids, a fulltime job and a measly 2-bedroom apartment I can barely afford

My Federal Tax Return for 2007: $1.98

If you don't mind a bunch of bleeped f-words

And megatons of naughty humor. These are the funniest videos I've seen in a long time. Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are a couple and have been together for about five years. The first video is from Sarah to Jimmy. The second from Jimmy to Sarah.

Found via Don't Get Me Started